darkness (im getting fed up with myself)

[Dia]

i walk the path of the good. i follow the light, i looked back and feared the sight. i run for the good, i follow that light, i want it's warmth. but it lurks, it follows. it watches me as i run. it laughs at me. everything in my stomich turns and i feel the pain, i feel it growing. it follows no matter how hard i run, no matter where i turn, its always there. i slow down for a breath but it grabs me by the should and by fear i run harder and faster. i cry for help but no one hears all i hear is an echo of my own cold hearted feared voice. it wants me but i don't want it. i cry harder and run fast trying to run from it screaming, " I DON'T WANT YOU! I DON'T WANT IT! HELP ME!! ANYONE PLEASE!" but no ones there. finally i trip, its all over now, i sit there in pain watching as it came closer and closer. i turn to look at the light i wanted, i watched and yerned for that warmth feeling of it. i reach out my hand to it, but it went farther and farther away. next moment i see nothing. its all dark, its so cold, its so quiet. it's so painful. i look around frantically. im scared. i get up quickly and run frighteningly around again seeing nothing. not a pinch of light anywhere in sight. i run no matter how much pain i feel no matter how tired i am. im scared and i dont want to be in here. after i had run for so long i went numb. i felt no more pain as i ran harder and harder. i cried no longer of the silence. i still yet to cry for help as i run harder and harder, but then i slowed down. i come to a walk as i see nothing around me. i come to a complete stop and looked at my hands yet when i did i found nothing. i saw nothing. i tried to look down at my feet but once again found nothing and saw nothing. i take one of my hands and try to touch myself but i found nothing and felt nothing. i fall to my knees crying and asking why. i ask why i felt nothing , why i cant feel anything. i asked why i cant see anything or find anything. i asked why i can't be in that warm light i saw, i asked why i cant see it anymore. then i heard a voice. it makes me shiver. its hard and cold, it makes my hair on my neck and arms stick up. it tells me, ' your done, your worthless and its over. you can't feel anything cause you chose not to, you felt nothing because it's what you've become. you see nothing because you chose not to see anything, you find nothing because it's what you've become. you can't be in that warm light because you let no one in. you can't be in it because you can't talk to anyone. you no longer see it because you chose not to see anything, you chose not to feel anything, and you chose to bottle up everything you've almost ever felt. the most important reason why you no longer see that light or feel it is all of because you contiued to run, you always looked back at what mistakes you've made and never attempted to fix them. and now, your hopless and your a waist. you are stuck in this darkness. your stuck in time. ' i shiver in fear. i get up and run harder and faster, as i did i fell. i didn't fall like i did before. i never tripped. instead i fell off of a cliff. i never intirely fell. i dangle off the cliff holding on tight to the edge. i cry for help and hold on tighter. i look up and i see the light again. i called out to it and it responded. it held out a hand, it lifted me up. i felt its warmth for once, i finally did. i walk towards it and found myself getting closer. i found it was getting brighter and brighter, i feared to look back but i got the courage and looked back and found just a speack of darkness but almost not visable. i was happy, i smiled and laughed. i walked on with my head held high i never looked down i never looked back. just smiled laughed and walked on. my mistake, i walked on and fell. i got up brushed it off but walked on. and every so often i would always trip and fall but i would always get up. i got tired after a while when i tripped and it took me more time to get up than the last. i tripped again but just sat there this time. i looked back and it grew again, but slowly. i got up little more quicker and walked on little faster. looking back every so often to see it grow more and more. i kept on tripping, cursing my feet, i asked why i am falling so much. i heard a whisper and my hairs on neck and arms stood up again. your failing again. your messing up. your becoming hopless. im comming after you. i choked and ran. i ran hard and fast again. as i ran i noticed; i still feel nothing and i still see nothing. i choked harder and ran faster and faster. i knew what was wrong. i knew what was comming. i didn't do anything, i won't do anything. i kept running. i looked back and it grew faster and bigger. it followed more and more. it never quite. it never will. i tripped one last time in that light. i fell hard and damaged my body well. i look up and see that the light was leaving me. i cry for it not to. i cry for it to stay. i cry for help but the next thing i know im falling again. this time, there was no ledge. this time i can't save myself, this time it was really over. i look around and noticed that light was on one side of me and dark on the other. i was puzzled but i was scared cause i was falling and i can't do a thing. i took a deep breath and yelled out, ' WHAT HAVE I DONE NOW!? WHAT HAVE I DONE? TELL ME, LET ME LIVE, TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!! ' i stopped yelling and heard the voice again this time it wasnt the cold hard voice. it was soft and warm. it told me, ' you've done nothing and that's where the problem lies. you can't live because you chose that same path you were walking on. you chose not to do a thing for yourself. you did nothing and now you can't do anything. no one may help you in two reasons; no one can and no one will want to. you've lived your life selfishly for your own will. you never opened up, you lied when you said you did. you never communicated with anyone and contiued to bottle up everything you've felt. you contiued to avoid the things you needed to see. you contiued to avoid the things you needed to feel. now you will no longer feel nor see anything. your time is up. your end is here. ' i cryied and looked down i saw the end. i saw it comming closer and closer. i thought to myself why i never did anything. i asked myself why i never wanted to do anything. i asked myself why i pushed everything away. i never had to. i was never stong. on the outside i always acted as if i was, on the inside i always cried, i always felt oh so weak and that's what made me force myself to be stronger on the outside but as hard as i tryied it was still there. i still felt weak. i still felt the pain. i don't know what it was. but it hurt. and it wouln't go away. i stopped crying and looked down. i was so scared but it came. it was over. i hit the end and now. im done. i am now and forever dead, paralized. from my own mistakes, its all over now.

[Mokokos]

-shivers- That was... awesome


Edit: (20 minutes later) In hindsight, I think that my first response may not have been exactly... appropriate, especially since I don't even know who you are, so... yeah. Still a nice piece of writing, regardless of whether there is a story behind it that I don't know about or not.

[Dia]

well there is....it was kinda my lifes story in a really short.....thing i guess.....i was mad...pissed....and just angry with myself so i had to do something other than hit myself. >,<

[Mokokos]

I feel for you, I really do... life really sucks sometimes... I'd give you advice if I actually had good ideas, but too often advice hurts more than it helps... So just know that when you get to the end of whatever road you're on, there will be a big bowl of ice cream. I promise

[Dia]

lmfao. XD ok. well right now my end hasnt gone anywhere.....however....i did something that made me happy. i brought two friends who were no longer friends to talk to each other...and may even be friends again. oh well. i like ice cream. ^_^ long as its chocolate cookie dough im goooood. ^_^

[Mokokos]

Yay! I think that doing things for other people is the best kind of feel good medicine stuff... But sometimes you just gotta stop and be alone, know what I mean? Sit down and think or draw or write (lol) or whatever... And of course it's going to be Chocolate cookie dough! Not having chocolate cookie dough ice cream at the end would be like... Giving you spinach after a run.... I fucking hate spinach

[Dia]

^_^ heh. however, what if you were in a different situation. what if....no matter what you do it seems like its not enought for the amount i do for others. i don't mind being alone anymore. cause i've been through it for so long its become inmune. lol. but what if.....it feels as if.....its never enough.....do you just contiue to just sacrafice yourself to no end?

0.0....wait a minute..what the hell am i doing. >< i should be doin this....i shoulnt be opening up to a total stranger....sorry. nothing against you.....

[Mokokos]

If that's the case... Then I think were equals. I'm stuck between an old life I wish I never had and a new life that I'm not sure I want... In a stasis where I feel like I'm getting nothing done because all I ever do is watch, never act. Dunno where to go from here.... but I've got faith I'll reach the end eventually. It's really the only thing i can believe in right now.

And... bah, I don't know how to say this without it sounding like I'm bragging... One of the hardest things to find in the whole world is someone that listens. And, preferably, cares. However... if it helps... My name is Connor, I'm 17, I live in BC, and I swear to god I'm not an old creepy guy

Edit: Damnit. What a fine time to start an interesting conversation... I'm goin away for the weekend, won't be back until Sunday night =/ So... I'll see ya, I guess

[Dia]

its fine. im in a stage where all i've done in my past is nothing just sit around and also just watched at time flew by. but there was a point in time where i thought i was strong enough and just did something for once....but it was pushed in my face...and just kinda backfired. then i just totally gave up. i just became that one person that you always see away from the group. the person who's always quiet. the person who somtimes wants to kill all the people in the group. yet, save them from any kinds of bad crap in the outter most group in which you know very well. and you know what happens so you just kinda sometimes push em back in that group where there kind of safe. but i know now that i was wrong in doing that. i know a person has to feel sad....and get angry i know that. but what i try to do is for those people to not get USED to the feeling. once your used to it....your stuck in it...with no way out. it's an endless abiss. i stoped talking to people about anything i've felt because when I was growing up no one was there. i gave up crying cause no one heard, no one cares. that's why i am the way i am....a horrible past life that i just can't seem to get out of. no matter how mad kt or dawn gets or upset i just can't shake that feeling that no one is there....no one will be. it's your past present and future. and that's my most weakest point of me......its so irritating. oh well

ok...well my names Diana and i am also 17(i got to donate blood today offically. XD) and i live in ohio. lol. and for the record.....im not emo. i may sound like one but i dont dress and act like one. yea....im a depressed person but im not emo. XD

and that's ok about the goin away thing. idk if i can either. i mean...i'll be on the comptuer...but doin something then idk...i wont be on either. XD so its cool.

[Mokokos]

.... Wow. Just wow.

I can't believe how... well, I don't really want to say similar, because I know that there's probably plenty different between us... but just... wow.

I used to be the heartbeat of my group. We always hung out in the same place, every day at lunch. I was the one in grade 9 in pulled all of them together to one meeting place so that we could talk about stuff (read: Video games ). I always had all the jokes, but I was also the peace keeper. We didn't have fights. Like, ever. The closest we would get is a friend of mine who is a movie buff disagreeing with people's opinions of movies, but it would never go further than an argument. But don't get me wrong, we weren't the perfect group of friends. Everyone liked me, but they didn't necessarily like each other. But again, it never came to the sort of thing traditionally associated with men.

In December of grade 10 I started going out with a girl. In hindsight, I realize that I had no idea what I was doing. The relationship was over in less than 2 weeks, and I still can't believe it lasted that long. There was hardly any communication whatsoever, and there wasn't even a real connection between us. That event taught me alot. I realized that I was not prepared for all of the things I had dreamed of. I thought about it for a couple of days, then, since Christmas was coming up, I ordered a book called the 7 habit's of Highly Effective People. I had heard good things about it left and right, so I gave it a spin. It was pretty interesting, but it was really directed at adults, so alot of the ideas were a bit confusing to me. So for my Birthday I got The 7 Habit's of Highly Effective Teens. I read that, figured a bunch of things out, and then I was hooked on Psychology. (I still am)

I took a long time trying to figure out the ideas in that book, and figure out how I was supposed to apply them.... But in the end, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't figure it out. I knew what I was supposed to do, but yet I just couldn't do it. Stop procrastinating, I told myself. But I'd keep doing it. I started trying to use my planner again, and that lasted about a week. I set a bunch of, goals and by the end of the year I had completely forgotten about them. At this point I was confused. Why could I run through all of this in my mind, but when it came to reality, I just couldn't stick with anything? I had no willpower, no drive.

I continued to dwell on this idea all throughout the summer. I worked at a summer camp, and one of the most interesting things about my job was observing the balance of power. I loved just watching people interact and trying to figure out the question to end all questions: Why? Once again, I met the grim face of failure. I could not figure out how other people worked, why they did the things they did. Occasionally I'd even ask them, but they usually had no idea. It didn't make sense to me. How could you not know why you're doing something?

Grade 11 rolled around, and I met Olivia for the first time. It took me about 2 weeks to figure out I was totally in love. (Haha... I wonder how much of this has actually leaked back home... oh well, I suppose it doesn't matter now) We became friends incredibly fast, and we kept getting pushed to get together. Eventually, we did. A night at the movies.... and 2 days later it was pretty much over. I don't really feel like going into the specifics of why, simply because misunderstandings occur from assumptions. But we broke up... and I blamed it on myself. It wasn't her fault, it was yours, I kept telling myself. It brought me down quite a bit, but at the same time, it helped me come to many realizations about myself.

Over the past few weeks I think I've been feeling similar to what you're feeling; detached from the group, and pretty much everyone else. I feel like I'm growing up faster than everyone else, because I'm having all of these "mature" thoughts, but I don't really know if that's it at all... Because no one will ever tell me if they're having the same sort of thought processes... I don't know if I'm one in a million or one of a million =/ However, from the responses I get whenever I bring up the subject, I'm forced to assume that either no one else I know thinks like me, or that they do but don't want to talk about it. My fault for being too aggressive? Definitely possible. I've had my good discussions here and there, but for the most part no one really wants to talk about this kind of stuff... Except Livi, but I gotta be careful with her...

Emo... I hate that word with a passion. It's evolved from a type of rock to a person who is physically self-destructive to just a general term for anyone who is doesn't seem to have any friends. It pisses the hell out of me, because calling someone who is really quiet and often alone emo is so pointless... I've had my fair share... behind my back, not to my face yet.

Wow.... this turned out far longer than I expected O.o But yeah... high school drama in a nutshell...

[Dia]

your quiet right. same...but little off. my way is little different than yours. in everyone else's eyes of our group they would always say that i fit in. they say that im just fine..and that im sometimes better than the others. but that's not true. i fit in cause i force myself to once in a while. cause it just kills me to be the 'detached person' in that group. it litterally kills me. and i force my way in..and in doing that it usually pisses SOMEONE off. people say im better? 'PSHHH!' YEA RIGHT! im wayyyyyy at the bottom. im not better than anyone in my group. im not socialble so i get nervce(XDsp?) alot...outside im what everyone wants me to be. the lovble kind one. that's why i get so mad when people say im 'amazing' cause im not. on the outside, sure..think what you want. inside...its like hell. all i think of is either hurting those i love or just kill myself. heh...its a never ending war in this small 17 year old body. your having trouble fitting in because you think higher than the others but your not pushed away. you just don't know what to do sometimes. i guess im the same...cuase i dont know what to do sometimes either. but i get pushed away SOOOOOO MMMAAAAAAnnnny times. wheather or not others know they are doing it. im the weirdest person in my group. i feel things around me. i feel when people are sad, mad, upset, happy. all kinds of stuff....its so weird. >,< but it helps me....cope in lack of better terms. if people are happy...i just learn to stay away sometimes. when people are sad...like i said....i give them that PUSH to get them back in that group..then watch....them...see. lol. but...idk....i would like to say envy...but that's too strong of a word to use...but i kinda do.....you and a lot of other people can usually come out and tell them whats wrong with yourself. you can ask for help....but what happens to a person when in the BIGGING of her life...she's had no one to come for help cause she's felt like no one would care. like no one would listen. like no one would understand? and once time just grew on everything you've ever felt...just....stayed with you. all inside. like....a roaring dragon...eating at you from the inside. yet your fighting it. battling it. even if you died inside.....its all you can do. its all you KNOW you could do. it becomes your instince. heheh. :\ oh well. however....its so nice that everyonce in a while. someone really nice...one of my friends would just come out of that group of people and see me..notice me watching them and smile at me. giving them the weak smile back they would always come to me and give me a warm hug once in while...and that raging dragon....he would subside for a while. or the raging storm in my head. XD it would all just subside. but when they leave....its just all over again. no matter what....i CAN'T escape. for you....you have an escape route....you just gotta find it. lol. questions can be answered in time. people mature over time. i have matured more than anyone in my group and i know it. cause i know whats out there. i LIVE in reality...other than the others who do not want to live in reality and want to live in a dream world. i do have questions...but not questions like yours. there way off in fact. mine are more like...'what do i have to do fit in right? why is it everytime i do it backfires on me and i just get pushed away? why can't i have the feeling like someone is there...like someone cares? or...the main question in my life.....that IS my life......'' why can't i feel anything, why can't i see anything? " all i am to people is.....a tool. the tool has no feeling...it cant see anything. im amazing only cause i can make the thing people cant do right only cause i know how it works. wonder what happens to that tool....once its been used so much.

i dont usually don't lable people...but i just wanted to clarify on that little tid bit. XD

and i think longer post are ok....just not tooo long. i usually do too. XP

[Mokokos]

(Before I respond to what you actually said, I just want to say that you are a really good writer, lol. Every time I read your... stories, I guess... you always get my heart pumping. I don't mean to view your life objectively, just saying... solid stuff )

One of the things you said... about how you always get pushed away, by others, even though they sometimes don't know they're doing it... I'm guessing sometimes is more like almost all the time? I sort of know the feeling, except in a different way.... I'm always... well, for lack of better word... testing people to see how they respond and stuff like that. Usually I'll just do something without thinking, someone will respond, THEN I'll analyze what happened. So it's not really testing, because I don't do it on purpose, but... yeah. It really sort of puts things in perspective because people act different if they know they're being tested. If you catch them being themselves, doing normal things, then you get the real them. At least, that's my belief... And it doesn't paint a pretty picture. So many people have good on their mind, but their actions convey either the opposite, or just some sort of misunderstanding of the word "good". Then I take those observations and use them to form opinions about people... I suppose, now that I think about it... I'm really just labeling them, categorizing them... Damn, more problems to deal with...

Anyways. I don't know if you ever feel like you're doing this... Probably not, it's pretty weird, even in my opinion XD. But... Just from the way you've put it, it doesn't seem like like you're giving them that much of a chance to care. It took me a long time to figure things out, and when I finally tried to bare my soul, I found out that a few people did care... they just didn't think I was right. Back to the drawing board =/ but at least I knew.

You mentioned that you live in reality... so do I. I try and solve the problems that come my way, even though they oftentimes weren't my fault in the first place. They're usually the fault of someone else, someone living in a dream world, be that World of Warcraft or these boards

Listen... can I add you to MSN or something? This is just sort of getting ridiculous lol....

[Dia]

i get you.....sometimes i really do wish i can just take a gun and put it to my head and just end all this crap i bring along. >,< i want to change. i never think before i act...i always act before i think. then it pisses almost every single person i know. it sucks....i mean....im in the verge...of loosing the most valuble friend i have...that infact are also up here...which i dont know if she reads or not....but im on the verge of lossing that friend...JUST becuase i can't change....and get over of what i am. just because i can't think before acting. >,< i just DON'T KNOW HOW!!!!!!

and yes.....you can add me. my yahoo s/n is [e-mail].

the only chance i would like to give...is give up. just....fall....just....lay there.....do nothing.....but the fighter in me....never gives up..and it pisses me off. cuase sometimes...i don't want to be a fighter. oh well....sorry to have bothered you.

[Turpentine Kisses]

I'll leave you two with this, then; "life's tough all around."

aka; everyone has their problems - YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONES.

And I'm not looking to start a competition about who has it worse, but just remember that. ...God. Fucking LOVE the Outsiders. xD

[Dia]

heh........never passed my mind livi....never did. don't worry.....im done. for good.